Wow. I have never really felt this low about the holidays.

Tomorrow is my grandfather's funeral and I am more than ready to move on with my life. The level of distraction I feel is overwhelming and I have tried to fight through it. I have realized that you can't force yourself through the mourning process. You just have to let it swarm you, carry you on a bit of a detour, and wait for it to drop you back on your previous course.

But it isn't fun. I also have had to come to grips with the reality that everyone in my family is going through the same process but I their own ways. I have always tried to remind myself of that. People react differently and are more apt to go crazy during stressful times.

It has put such a halt on the festivities and my mood hasn't improved as quickly as I would have liked. I thank my years of improvisational theatre for giving me the skills to fake my way through the tough bits. It isn't the best choice but is there really a "right" choice? The right choices fly away on the breeze these days.

Of course, I can't ignore that there have been a few people who had reached out in support. I can't thank them enough because it has helped a great amount. I think my form of mourning is the I feel quite alone even when I know I am not.

I can hope that next year is better and a far more positive experience.